


What if I meant it?

by blog4snape



Series: Afterimages of You [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Drama & Romance, Eventual Romance, F/M, First Kiss, Invasion of Privacy, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Reconciliation, Rejection, Teacher-Student Friendship, Unprofessionalism, i mean might be problematic if u squint
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27405763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blog4snape/pseuds/blog4snape
Summary: You (22) ask your student Severus Snape (18) if he's going to the graduation ceremony. Drama ensues and you learn a bit more about him.
Relationships: Severus Snape/Reader, Severus Snape/You
Series: Afterimages of You [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1915798
Comments: 3
Kudos: 20
Collections: Snape and Reader Collection





	1. What if I meant it?

June 18th, 1978

The half-moon windows were open, letting a nice summer breeze dance with the curtains. You sat at your desk, your quill scratching away at the parchment beneath you. Your student, Severus Snape, was laying on his back among the pillows and cushions in the pit, flipping through yellowed pages in an old book.

“Are you going to be at graduation?” You asked, not looking up from your paperwork.

“No. My dorm-mates aren’t going. And she’s not even going to be there, so why should I?” He responded, shifting slightly among the soft fabrics.

“Who’s she?” You raised a curious brow, glancing up at him for a moment.

He rolled onto his stomach and looked down. He sighed. “It doesn’t matter.”

You took a moment to scratch your arm, confused at the sudden change in his demeanor. “It sounds like it matters a lot to you.” You prodded.

He rolled his eyes and pressed his face into the center of the scuffed book.

You sighed after a few moments of silence. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.” You assured calmly, dipping your quill into the ink well as you continued writing.

There was a beat of silence. He sighed, pulling the book away from his hooked nose. “It’s my mother.” He explained.

You stopped scratching your quill at the parchment and you looked up at him. He wasn’t looking at you, or even anything in the room. His eyes were unfocused and distant as his fingers fiddled with the corners of forgotten pages. 

“Do you want her to be there?” You asked softly.

“No… I don’t know why I even said that.” He muttered, turning onto his side and facing away from you. 

“Does she matter a lot to you?” You asked. 

He shrugged his shoulders. “Not like I matter to her.” 

Your heart cracked. You stood up from your desk and sat on the floor, cross-legged behind him. You reached out a hand and rubbed his back in gentle circles. You looked at your lap and exhaled. “Why do you say that?” You asked, evenly.

You felt his back rise under your hand before falling as he sighed deeply. “She wasn’t there… She hasn’t been there. She doesn’t even write ‘me. Not even for the holidays.” 

You swallowed the woeful lump in your throat. “Do you want her to come to your graduation?” You asked, twirling a dark lock of his hair that had draped across his shoulder blade.

“I don’t even know what I’d do if I saw her.” He murmured. “Like… would I be happy? Would I be disappointed? Would I be mad that she shows up all of a sudden after ignoring me my whole life?” His voice raised as he kept speaking, a sharpened edge embedding his final words. 

Your teeth grated down on your lips further as he continued talking. You had known his home life was bad, but you never knew he was outright neglected. “You don’t deserve that,” You hissed, squaring your shoulders. You stopped rubbing his shoulder and dug your nails into your lap instead.

He peered at your hardened features from over his shoulder. “Deserve what?” He questioned, his eyes scanning up and down your face.

You stopped chewing your lip, your mouth catching his eyes' attention. “You don’t deserve _that._ A mother who has neglected you and only bothers to pay attention when you’ve achieved something? When you’ve finished something?” Your tone laced with pure venom. “Where’s the love in that?” Tears pricked your eyes as you stared at your flexed fingers.

He licked his lips, still focusing on yours. “There is none.”

Your shoulders fell as well as your face and breath. “Has she ever… shown you any love?” You nearly whispered, your fingertips barely relaxing their assault on your thighs.

He sat up, stretching his long legs out. He sucked his upper teeth and looked at his knees. “Maybe she has, once or twice. I can’t remember anymore.” He stared at the fingers gripping your lap tightly. 

You stared at the same fingers, your eyes glistening in sorrow. “How could she not love you? How could she not pay any attention to you?” You mourned. “You’re respectful, you’re brilliant. You’re a lovely boy that any mother should be proud of and would be more than lucky to have.” 

His stained fingers wrapped around your wrist, his nimble thumb tracing alien shapes into your skin. Your head snapped up to look at him. He glanced up from your lips to look into your eyes. His eyes were swirling with something you couldn’t quite place. 

“You really think so?” He whispered, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“I _know_ so-” You began, confidently. 

You never did get to finish that sentence. 

Severus quickly closed the space between you two, his mouth firm on yours.

You didn’t kiss back. You were frozen solid as if you were trapped in cursed ice. 

He was pressing further into your lips, trying to deepen the kiss. His other hand reached up to your cheek. He stroked a scarred finger across your skin before you snapped back into reality. 

You gasped loudly and pulled away from him as quickly as possible. Your hands caught you before you fell on your back. “What in Merlin just happened-” You sputtered, with a red face and tears that you didn’t realize had fallen. Your knees pressed into your chest, kicking off of the ground and scooting you closer to the desk you considered safe as you clutched desperately behind you. 

His hands were suspended in the air. He looked horrified. His countenance rivaled the giant squid’s- it turned white, then pink, then red, then blue. As he turned purple he quickly sucked in a large breath, his face turning back to red. “Prof-professor, I’m- I’m so- I’m _so_ _sorry-_ ” He stuttered. 

You continued to stare at him incredulously, your chest rising and falling in rapid breaths. 

He avoided your face. “I don’t- I didn’t- I have no idea what- what came over me!” He stammered, wringing his hands together.

You shifted, sitting on your knees and facing him. “Why did you-”

“I don’t know!” He blurted, before slapping his hands to his treacherous mouth.

You jumped, your hands further gripping the wood behind you as your back pressed against the solid surface. 

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to yell! N-not at you!” He apologized, holding his hands out placatingly. He started to breathe heavily, moving his hands to the emerald striped tie that was currently too tight around his neck. He started wringing it, wrinkling the fabric and trying to pull it away from his neck. He made a choking sound.

“Stop, stop!” You intervened, grabbing his fidgeting hands. “You’re going to hurt yourself!” You warned.

He nodded, still breathing heavily. His hands ran down his face instead, pulling at his skin and any stray hairs unlucky enough to be caught in the crossfire. 

You loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top buttons of his white collar. “Okay, now deep breaths. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Hold a moment before release.” You demonstrated, putting your hands on his trembling shoulders.

After some moments of patience, he followed your lead. His breathing calmed, and so did his self-destructive fidgeting, but the burning crimson hue of his cheeks didn’t. His head dropped and he let out an elongated sigh. “I’m so sorry.” He murmured. “I don’t know what came over me, kissing a teacher-” He buried his searing face into his stuttering hands.

You patted his head awkwardly. “There, there.” You grimaced. “It was an accident… although a weird one. Please never talk about this to anyone.” 

He inhaled deeply, nodding his head. “I’m just- I’m just going to go back to my common room.” He thought aloud, standing up. 

“Maybe that would be for the best…” You followed his lead, patting his back. “See you in class tomorrow.” You took your seat at your desk and tried to focus enough to continue doing paperwork. 

You didn’t realize Severus was still in your classroom until he cleared his throat. You looked up at him. 

“Yes?” You asked.

“Professor-” He began, wringing his tie and standing in front of the closed door. “What if- what if it wasn’t an accident?” 

You stared up at him, confused. “What do you mean?”

His voice faltered as his mouth opened and closed. With a quick shake of his head, he crossed the room with urgency and stopped at your desk. He leaned over, his hands on opposite sides of your paperwork. He was in your personal space, but you didn’t move, still staring at him with wide and confused eyes. He breathed deeply, the warm air fanning across your face. “What if I meant it? To kiss you?”

Your mouth opened slightly, before closing again. You set your quill in its well and folded your hands on top of the desk. “W-what?” 

“ _Please,_ ” He urged. “Tell me- tell me you care. Tell me you feel the same-” His voice rasped, “the- the same about _me._ ” 

“Severus-” You began, blinking your eyes and shaking your head. “I can’t. You’re my student- I can’t just-” You lost your voice. “It’s unprofessional.” You muttered, holding your head down.

“What if I wasn’t?” He pressed. 

“If you weren’t-?”

“If I wasn’t your student.” He dug his nails into the desk, his knuckles turning white.

“You are though-” You furrowed your eyebrows and grimaced. “Severus, I cannot have this conversation with a student.” 

His words spilled out at a rapid pace, “I’m graduating this week. I’ll be there. I’ll be there if you’re there. I’ll show up so you can have me as I am-” He implored desperately, trying to grab your hands. 

“Severus Snape!” You pulled your hands away and stood up, your chair screeching in protest as its curled legs scraped across the floor. “That is enough! Leave my office at once.” 

He stared at you for a while, still breathing heavily. You held your ground, eyes set harshly on his. He pushed himself up off of your desk and stormed out of your office, his emerald robes following behind him in a flourish. He ripped open the door and turned around for a moment to glare at you. He slammed it shut with a scowl on his face. For a few moments, it was silent. You stayed standing, staring at the door as your harsh eyes dissipated. You heard him sigh behind your door before his heavy steps echoed unevenly down the hall. 

You crumbled into your seat and held your face in your hands, knowing the stack of paperwork sitting before you won’t get done in this lifetime.


	2. Someone Like Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Severus leaves the Professor's classroom in a huff, she notices he left his book behind.

June 18th, 1978

After Severus left your classroom in a huff, you sighed, turning your gaze over to the indentation he had left in the pit. He had forgotten his book. You pulled yourself up from your chair and crossed the room to the fortress of pillows, gingerly picking up the discarded item. The book opened naturally to an outlined message, the words smudged from constant touch. Several pages were folded into the shape of a heart with notes written hastily into the inner margins. Curious, you squinted your eyes trying to read the blotched and scribbled writing in the inner corner of the book. Your face flushed, immediately snapping the book shut and holding it farther away from you.

After a moment of collecting yourself, you stared down at the cover of his book. It was an outdated divination book, one he must have gotten from a secondhand book shop for next to nothing.  _ ‘But then again,’  _ you thought to yourself,  _ ‘all of divination is quite outdated.”  _ You scratched your scalp. 

In your syllabus and throughout the first week of classes, you had expressed that there was no need for any of your students to buy the books. You didn’t require any of your students to purchase divination books, as most of the lessons you taught were hands-on anyway and the books were frankly full of rubbish. Tracing a finger over the worn-out cover, you smiled softly to yourself. Severus was an excellent listener--it couldn’t have been a mishearing--he must have taken an interest in the subject to go out of his way to purchase a divination book. 

_ ‘Or in you.’  _ The words floated in your head, reminding you of the notes you had just seen scratched into the book still in your hands. 

You sighed, laying in the pit. It was still warm from where Severus had been resting, and you caught a hint of the scent of pine and lavender that would tend to cling to him. You opened the book once more, flipping through the notes he had written.

_ “That dunderhead Potter wasn’t paying attention to the lesson on Ichthyomancy. He got slapped by the fish we were working with today-” _

You laughed, remembering the giant trout that smacked James Potter’s face last week when he decided to mess with it during your lesson after your instruction not to. “ _ You deserved it, Potter,” _ you laughed, causing other students to follow your footsteps. You said it then and you’d say it again now. 

_ “-It was pretty great, even the professor laughed at him. She has a cute laugh.”  _

As your eyes traveled further down the page, seeing what Severus thought of your laugh made it halt in your throat. Your cheeks burned as you continued to read the comments he wrote. The majority of all of the writing was about divination class- most of them were notes he had written from the lectures. You allowed yourself to have a new teacher’s proud grin, seeing that he was getting a lot out of your lessons. But as you kept turning pages, you found yourself appearing in the margins more and more. Not all of the words were about you, but many of them mentioned you in some way or another. __

_ ‘I told her I had taken quite a liking to ferns. The next week she waved me over after class with a huge smile on her face. She looked so excited. She gave me a tiny fern plant whose sparse fronds had yet to unfurl.’  _

Next to the note was a small doodle of a baby fern. You grinned, it was the cutest drawing you’ve ever seen.

_ ‘She tutored me after class today. She told me to “keep up the good work” and hugged me afterward.’ _

You nodded, glad to help your students feel more confident in their abilities and glad that Severus Snape was one of them.

_ ‘She baked us biscuits because we all got high marks on the test last week. They tasted good.’ _

You smiled, happy to know your students liked your gifts. For every test they aced, you would give your students biscuits as a reward. You figured the upperclassmen deserved a treat every now and then, as they’re usually stressing about the OWLs and their NEWT classes.

_ ‘She has pretty eyes.’ _

Your smile faded. You had to read that line again. You adjusted the book in your hands, moving one hand to your temple. Were you reading that right? 

_ ‘She held me while I cried. It was all I’ve ever wanted. I want her to hold me again.’ _

_ ‘She doesn’t want to tell me about who she saw that night. But, she didn’t ask me about the werewolf. So I guess I’ll stop asking her. For now.’  _

That night a boggart was in your classroom. You bit your index nail, images of your boggart pressing into your mind. With all that had been happening lately, you didn’t even realize he had stopped asking you but you instantly felt gratitude blossom in your chest. You read the past two notes again, feeling regret at the way you handled the situation. You wished you had been harsher. Any other teacher wouldn’t have given in to his demands. But he wasn’t just your student--he was your old friend. 

_ ‘Her hands are soft.’ _

Was he just your friend? Your heart thumped, wondering if he only thought of you as his friend, also.

_ ‘I like her plants. She’s got a bunch all over the classroom. Whenever I ask her about one, she gets so excited and tells me all she can about it. I already knew most of it, but I haven’t the heart to interrupt her. I like when she gets passionate about something, and the way she rambles about plants is cute.’ _

The note was surrounded by small drawings of the plants around your classroom. You stroked the ink outlines of the leaves with an appreciative grin. He was rather talented.

_ ‘She’s so cute when she’s setting something on fire.’ _

Despite the flush on your cheeks, you chuckled a bit. Divination allowed you to set a lot of things on fire, and sometimes you seemed just a bit too eager.  _ ‘So are you,’  _ you murmured, thinking of Severus’ passion for learning.

_ ‘She smiled at me today and told me something. I was too focused on her mouth to remember what she said.’  _

You absentmindedly stroked your lips. You took a moment to swear at yourself- urging yourself to stop reading this book, to stop reading Severus’ private feelings, and to stop feeling your own feelings, but you just kept going. 

_ ‘She named one of her plants, “Snargs.” I don’t know why, because it wasn’t even a Snargaluff, but it made me chuckle anyway.’ _

You smiled at the mention of your plant. Next to the note was a drawing of Snargs, your forever-flowering cactus with the name ‘Snargs’ written in a curly font above the plant. You looked up, seeing Snargs sitting on the high windowsill with his petals dancing in the soft summer breeze. You blew a kiss to him, placing his weekly watering schedule at the back of your mind as you kept reading.

_ ‘She gave me a gift last Christmas. It was a new bag for my books. I saw her staring at the holes in my old bag the month before. The box didn’t have a sender, but I knew it was her. I could smell her perfume on it and it was her handwriting on the note inside.’ _

Embarrassed, you scratched the inside of your arm. You tried to be sneaky about your gift but it was certainly difficult getting anything past someone as observant as Severus. The two of you didn’t participate in the holiday’s secret santa event, but you could tell he desperately needed a new bag. His previous bag looked a century-old, full of holes and nearly falling apart at the seams. His materials constantly fell out of his bag, and you had grown sorrowful every time he had to backtrack with downfallen eyes and a red face to retrieve his dropped items. You knew he didn’t want your pity, and you were afraid if you gave the bag to him in person he’d reject it, so you decided to be as anonymous as possible. You were glad he decided to use it anyway despite knowing where it came from in the end. Smiling, you wondered if he’d accept the gift if it came from anyone else.

Then, for the next few pages shaped like a heart, he had written your name in the margin in his best calligraphy, with pulsing hearts, twinkling stars, blossoming flowers, swimming fish, and tiny sketches of tarot cards. You stared, mesmerized at his magicked art, caressing the moving lines with your fingers. He wrote your names together in a heart, side by side with his. You couldn’t help the smile bubbling onto your curious face as you slowly took in every addition, fiddling with the corner of the dog-eared pages that had been shaped into a heart. You flipped the page, confused--there were tiny hearts drawn around an inky black mass. The mass was a jumble of rough sketch-lines, but they started to move. Your breath caught in your throat as the lines scribbled down on the paper formed an image of you, turning around and smiling. Nothing but astounding brightness was in your features, a direct contrast to the next notes he had written down. 

_ ‘I wonder if she feels the same as I do. She has to, right?’ _

You just couldn’t answer that question right now. You bit your lip, glancing up at the door as if Severus could burst in at any moment. You sighed, thinking about him as your eyes dropped back to the writing. Swallowing the lump in your throat, you stroked the next horrible words beneath your finger, feeling his self-doubt emanating from the paper.

_ ‘But who could ever like someone like me?’ _

The next note was a long paragraph, but whatever words you could see were smudged and crossed out. Ink had been spilled on top of the page, the black streaks marring the yellowed pages. The corner of the page was brandished with scorch marks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. We're Friends, Aren't We?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day in class, you give Severus his book back.

June 19th, 1978 

“Alright, remember your exam. Three o’clock sharp, this Thursday. I’ll host some study sessions after dinner today and tomorrow if you need any extra help. Class dismissed,” you announced, sitting on top of your desk. 

Students eagerly packed their bags and left, happy for extra free time. One student rushed more than the others- shoving his book and quill into his bag, almost forgetting to close his inkwell. He clumsily jammed the cork in and threw it into the pouch. Pulling his bag hastily over his shoulder, he spun quickly on his heel to make his escape but he was interrupted by your voice.

“Class dismissed except for you, Snape.” You jumped down from the desk, stepping towards him halfway. You stared at his back as he froze, refusing to turn around.

“ _ Oooooooh!” _

“Snivellus in trouble? And in the last week of school?”

“Pinch me I must be dreaming!”

“That’s enough.” You glared at the Gryffindors currently antagonizing Snape, “don’t make me keep you after class, too.”

“Yes, Professor. Sorry,” they yipped, before gathering their things and running out of class. They must have remembered your last detention.

Severus sighed before turning around. You walked up to him, your hands folded behind you. The rest of the students filed out of class, not without giving Severus a few curious glances.

He didn’t look you in the eye.

You felt a little sad that your friend and student Severus Snape wouldn’t look at you anymore- but you didn’t regret what you said to him yesterday. After all, you did the right thing in your mind. You cleared your throat and handed him the book you were holding behind your back, “You… you left this in my office yesterday.” 

He gasped, quickly snatching the book from your hands. He held it to his chest and gave you a sidelong glance. “How-” He swallowed. His voice was small but his eyes were big, “How much did you see?” 

You frowned, wringing your hands in front of you, “Uh… I’m not going to lie to you, I read a lot of it. At first, I just wanted to see why you had a divination book, but then I saw your notes and got curious.” 

“You invaded my privacy?” He hissed, clutching the book even tighter to his chest.

Your head fell and you stared at your shoes, “Yes, I did… those words were personal to you and I read them anyway. I’m so sorry. You don’t have to forgive me.” 

He sighed, dropping his arms to his sides, “What did you think?” He asked quietly.

“Huh?” Your head snapped up.

“What did you think…” He started. He opened the book, using his index finger to point at unfinished love letters and poems that he was writing about you, “...about what I wrote?” 

You bit your lip, skimming over the words once more as your face and chest turned warm, “They’re really sweet. You’re quite the romantic.” you spoke, shyly. After a moment of silence, you looked down and scrunched your eyes shut, silently cursing at yourself for being so unprofessional with a student. As he finally spoke, you snapped up to look at him again.

“I’m sorry for… yesterday,” he said, closing the book and rubbing the back of his neck. 

You gave him a tight smile and a curt nod.

“Are you still going to graduation?” You changed the subject.

“I don’t know…” He scratched his palms.

“I’d like to see you there,” you encouraged, softly. 

He looked up at you, “Really? Even after yesterday?” 

You chuckled, nodding, “Even after yesterday.”

He half-grinned, half-grimaced, “Why?”

“Because I care about you. I’ve known you for four years and we’re friends, aren’t we? Even if we weren’t friends, you’re still my student and I still care regardless. I want to see you succeed and I want to see you at graduation,” you smiled.

“Really?” 

“Yes, really,” you laughed.

He smiled, scratching the back of his head, “Can I- can I hug you?” 

“Sure.” You nodded, pulling him into a hug. 

He dropped his head on your shoulder, “I’m so sorry,” he murmured into your shawl.

You rubbed between his shoulder blades, easing the stiffness out of his back, “We can talk more about it later. For now, I want you to focus on your studies. I hope to see you at graduation.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a part of my ongoing series Afterimages of You. Thanks for reading!


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